Houseflies Matter

For the past several days, my family has been tormented by a fly. This fly is just your average everyday housefly, I suppose, except for the fact that it is roughly the size of a small blimp. I have no idea how it found its way into our house, but it has been constantly buzzing around our kitchen, taunting us with its lightning fast reflexes and Usain Bolt-like speed. I offered my son a buck if he could kill it, but despite stalking the fly with a swatter for a good 20 minutes, he’s had no luck. I’m telling you, there’s no way Mr. Myagi or Daniel-san could pull the old chopstick-catching trick on this sucker.

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Can Anyone Recommend a Good Retail Therapist?

It’s tough work being an American consumer in this day and age. Companies are putting more & more responsibility on our shoulders and laying more & more guilt on our psyches. This is something that became crystal clear to me the other day in the Taco Bell drive-thru line. As I paid for my order of Nacho Cheese Doritos® Locos Tacos (it was for my teenage son, I swear), the kid at the window handed me a receipt with a survey at the bottom. He looked me in the eye and said, “If you fill this out and give me a good review, I’ll get an extra $10 in my next paycheck.”  I had to admire the honesty, but what choice did he leave me at that point? I could just imagine the kid getting his next paycheck and noticing it was $10 less than what he was expecting, and remembering me (and the make & model of my car) and spitting in my Baja Blast the next time I drove through the Taco Bell.

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If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no Snapchat story about it… did it really happen?

The other morning as the sun was rising, I took my dog out to do his business and I spotted 3 deer grazing at the edge of our back yard. They looked so peaceful, shrouded in some light morning mist. I saw them before my dog did, so the moment lasted long enough for me to start fumbling for my phone in order to snap a picture. I was disappointed when I realized I didn’t have the phone on me, but then it dawned on me that I was actually enjoying a beautiful scene in real life instead of through the lens of my iPhone. Why couldn’t I just enjoy it without feeling the need to document it?

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Every Breath You Take, Every Click You Make, I’ll Be Watching You

For years now, consumer watchdog reporters like Jeff Rossen have been warning us that hackers could be watching us through our computer webcams. In response, I’ve decided to take precautions. Specifically, I’m making sure my hair is brushed and my makeup is applied before opening my laptop. Hello, Mr. Hacker! How do I look?

That’s it. I’m not going to freak out about the idea too much, because a.) I think it’s highly unlikely, and b.) the most scandalous thing a hacker is going to see through my webcam is just how messy my desk is. I’m not dancing around naked in front of my webcam, EVER. No one is going to see any nudity through my computer unless I start using my laptop in the shower, in which case I’ve probably got much bigger problems than worrying about some hacker seeing my boobs.
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This Blog Post Is The Worst

Note: This post originally appeared on my first blog, found HERE.

A smoke detector started chirping randomly in the middle of the night. Seriously, is there anything worse?

The answer to that question is, of course, yes. Duh. There is something worse. For example, your house burning down to the ground because you didn’t know the batteries weren’t working in your smoke detector–that would be worse.

But, still… It does suck. You probably know the drill. You get up and try to find the source of the annoying chirping, which isn’t as easy as it seems because unless you are standing right underneath the offending detector at the exact right moment, you can’t be sure where it’s coming from. So you move from room to room, standing under each smoke detector in the dark until you hear the chirp again.

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I Am A Badass

Originally published on my first blog: HERE.

The older I get, the less I like self-help books. I tend to believe that everyone’s definition of happiness (and/or success) is different, and everyone has to find their own path to it. It’s a personal journey unique to each of us. But after three different friends recommended the book You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life by Jen Sincero, I had to check it out.

I enjoyed the book because of the author’s sassy and sarcastic sense of humor. But I found some of her advice to be just a more in-your-face version of stuff we’ve all heard before. She is big on the Law of Attraction, sans The Secret vision board, and I am not a huge fan of that concept. If you are not familiar with it, the basic idea is that if you believe hard enough and send enough positive vibes out to the universe, you will attract the positive life changes you are seeking. I’m an optimistic person and I believe a positive attitude goes a long way, BUT… I don’t believe that putting sticky notes all over my house that say “I am a supermodel” is really going to land me on the cover of Sports Illustrated‘s swimsuit edition.

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Oprah, take your bread and shove it…

Note: This post was originally posted on March 16, 2017 on my old blog, found HERE.

“Maybe it’s the gluten allergy talking, but if I hear Oprah gloating one more time about how she gets to eat bread every single day, I am going to track her down and smack her in the face with a baguette!”

I posted this as my Facebook status back when Oprah was just kicking off her “I love bread” Weight Watchers campaign, at a time when I was just coming to terms with a self-diagnosed gluten sensitivity.  It’s been 18 months since I stopped eating wheat, and I’m a lot less angry about it now. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, not being able to eat gluten is a pretty small issue. But, damn… I miss bread.

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