This is Your Brain on Menopause

So, this just happened: I tossed 2 Tide Pods into the washing machine and ran a full wash cycle on Permanent Press before realizing: I forgot to add the clothes.

Then there was the time I was driving to my dog’s groomer appointment, and realized a mile down the road that I forgot to bring the dog…

Not too long ago, if I did something like this I would simply laugh it off and say, “Ha, my blonde is showing!” And then I might add something like:

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
A: Ask her to count the stairs on an escalator.

Who doesn’t enjoy a good blonde joke, after all?

But, with my big birthday just a few weeks away, I kind of have to wonder: Is there something else going on?

Is senility settling in?

Is it time to panic?

So I did what I always do when I think something might be wrong with me: I Googled it.

Unfortunately, Googling ANY potential medical condition is never a good idea, because on the internet you are guaranteed to find your exact symptoms listed under every possible worst case scenario and rare disease known in modern medicine. But assuming I really don’t have cerebral malaria or cancer of the brain or early onset dementia, it turns out that what’s happening to me is most likely something I can blame on the same thing I blame for every other weird thing that starts to happen in this weird stage of life they call perimenopause —hormones.  If a fried egg represents your brain on drugs, a completely nonexistent egg represents your brain on menopause. Fortunately, it’s not permanent, but for now while the hormones are in flux, it seems my brain has left the building.

Hormones. I should have known. This may also explain why I found myself bawling my eyes out at a KLG & Hoda ‘Ambush Makeover’ reveal the other day. (Seriously. What is up with that?)

Anyway, I’m pretty sure it’s all about those damn hormones, but just to be on the safe side I’ve decided to start doing a couple little things to help boost brain power. For one thing, I think I’ll plan to do the crossword puzzles and Sudoku in the newspaper from now on—Lord knows there isn’t much of anything else in our local paper—but from Wednesday through Sunday the puzzles just make me feel increasingly bad about myself. I’ll have to find some old Monday and Tuesday editions to work on.

The internet also says I should take Fish Oil. I have none on hand, but I do have a big bag of Swedish Fish! That’ll have to do until I can get to the store.

Meanwhile, I think all that’s left to do is embrace the hormonal changes. (Well, maybe “embrace” is too strong a word; how about “accept?”) As my dad likes to say, “It beats the alternative.” And of course by “the alternative,” I mean being pregnant at age 50, a la Janet Jackson. I have a lot to say about that, so stay tuned… But until then, here’s one for the road:

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
A: Tell her a joke on Saturday.